Welcome back to the Stüphaus! One inherently useless thing.
I’ve not updated the blog with any material for a very long time. Judging from the page’s hits, no one seemed to notice or mind. Unlike the number of visitors the reasons for the lack of blog posts are numerous. For starters, I moved out of my San Francisco apartment and no longer had a constant internet connection. Second, I went on an extended vacation. During the vacation I tried desperately to unplug. With the exception of e-mail and sports updates, I did a fair job. Not enough, but fair. Third, I had plenty of new films (see below), music (re-Beatles & plans for a new band), books (about 6) and Legos (blogs and photos coming) to keep me interested during my free time.
So where did I go and what did I do on vacation? That’s really none of your business. Boston was nice. A friend’s wedding was amazing. And Acadia National Park was pleasant, but not really on a par with Glacier, Mt. Rainier, Olympic, the Grand Canyon, Sequoia, Yosemite… you get the idea.
Other than that, I barely wrote a thing (including no blog) and gained a newfound appreciation for smooth jazz (especially when it has a dirty/funky bass line). Fourplay, baby. Guess how many guys are in the band, go ahead. Commence new appreciation now! I mean, it’s still smooth jazz. But newfound. Have you noticed that that one entire disc of Prince’s Emancipation is essentially smooth jazz (with good bass lines)? I did. I don’t listen to that album very often.
I did not, however, gain any new love for “lite” rock. This morning on the shuttle the DJ played a blasé song and at the end tried to sell it half-heartedly. As though he cared about the rock of lite. “And that was Jennifer Page with Crush, from her album… blah, blah, blah.” He didn’t care. Nor did I.
As I fly I sometimes grab the airline magazine for a crossword or the SkyMall for a quick larf. Last night I took up the SkyMall and while perusing the catalogue of inherently useless things, I tried to think of the most inherently useless item (without insulting anyone) that we could produce. How about the 1:1 scale map of the world? When you boil it right down, there’s very little value add for a 1:1 representation of the Earth.
- “How far is it to Boise?”
- –”Let’s look at the map. Well, here is where we are.”
- (unfolding)
- –”What the hell?”
- (unfolding)
- “So, how far is it?”
- –”You know what, how about you just keep driving. That’s how far it is to Boise.”
- (re-folding)
Speaking of inherently useless things, now for a review of the film: Gymkata.
Gymkata Reviewed
Gymkata, from MGM/UA. 1985, filmed in Yugoslavia, music recorded in Zagreb (also in the former Yugoslavia). The foley artist (uncredited! unless I missed it) was out of control!
Trailer transcribed: “His name: Kurt Thomas. GYMKATA! His title: Three-time World Gymnastics Champion GYMKATA! His assignment: A secret mission for the United States government. His only weapon: himself. And that’s all he needs. Combine the discipline, the timing, and the power of gymnastics… with the explosive force of karate… and a new, all-powerful martial art is born: Gym-Kata. Kurt Thomas becomes Jonathan Cabot. He must penetrate a mountain fortress to compete in an ancient savage ritual. They call it: The Game. But nobody wins. And nobody lives. Until… now. When gymnastics and karate are fused, the combustion becomes an explosion. And a new kind of martial arts superhero is born: GYMKATA!“
End of film (before a parallel bars dismount and the end credits…naturally) the following caption displays “In 1985 The First Early Warning Earth Station Was Placed In Parmistan For The U.S. Star Wars Defense Program” (yes, that’s all initial caps and extra spaces between Wars and Defense).
World Champion Kurt Thomas The Master Of GYMKATA!
I remembered this movie from earlier years. Saw it on TBS or something late at night. Perfect for late-night early 90s TBS. Bad movies that are semi-cult favorites, like The Beastmaster or Red Dawn, Red Sonja, etc. Those movies sucked, but how could you doubt that 11:05 PM CST start time? (For the record, The Warriors most assuredly does not suck, although it was aired in the same timeslot.)
Gymkata is in that spirited class of films where there’s some romance early on and you’re thinking, “OK, OK… I understand. This film was scripted so that the lead actress will show some nudity as the film’s only saving grace.” And then throughout there will be enough skin to keep the boys interested. But no. Your thinking is wrong. It doesn’t happen. The film doesn’t even have the (in)decency to go down that road.
And of course, “Gymkata” was often shouted by the crew at MST3K when someone did a nice karate chop and/or flip. (It’s really the film’s most redeeming quality apart from the trailer.)
The Netflix sleeve synopsis closes with this sentiment: “Based on the novel (The Terrible Game) by Dan Tyler Moore and directed by Robert Clouse, this intrigue-soaked martial arts melee favors action over plausibility.” Hehe. Let’s just clarify one part of the preceding synopsis… there’s no intrigue.
So yes, I watched a most ridiculous film. Not horrid, just ridiculous. I’m saying “not horrid” mainly because the King or Khan or whatever of the fictitious Chicken Parmistan was clearly having a lot of fun with his role. Some of the other actors were taking the Gymkata seriously (including the Master of said ‘kata himself). And the foley artist was entirely too serious. But, anyway, I watched it start to finish. I’m glad I did so. And I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.
However, I’m going to push this film on everyone I meet!
You might sit next to me on a plane and ask (for cheap conversation), “See any good films lately?”
I’ll respond, “Oh yeah! What was it called? Gymkata! You’ve got to see it. The plot… well, it’s hard to explain. It’s soaked in intrigue. Not just drenched, soaked. It’s also an aural/visual feast. And it’s a non-stop martial arts melee; all action. And it’s entirely plausible.”
Too bad. I couldn’t say the above to anyone and maintain a straight face.
For a good time, go to youtube and search yourself some “gymkata movie trailer.” You’ll be glad you did.
